Taking A Good Look in the Mirror

Whenever people decide to make a really big life change, the seeds are often planted long before they take the plunge. For me, this happened during the second year of my Master’s program. At the time, I was meeting with a counselor to help me deal with panic attacks I was having. One day I was contemplating something in our session and I realized something really important about myself. 

To understand my brilliant epiphany, you first need to understand something about me. I am a happy person. Wait, I should probably have put that in quotes. I am a “happy person”. Yea, that’s it. “Happy”.  On the outside I do my best to be positive, kind and upbeat. For those who don’t know me well, that is usually the only thing they see. When I am in public, I turn on the charm and brighten the wattage of my smile. I don’t think of it as a false front per se, rather, I’m just trying to show the best version of myself to the world.

I do my best to push down the anxiety, loneliness, hurt and depression that we all feel. To do so, sugar became my drug of choice. Whenever I felt bad, I would eat something sweet. I’ve developed some pretty awesome baking skills, so often I would make yummy things to feed my stomach and my heart. (Look for recipes in my new cooking section, “The Ex-Files Recipes")

Every few days I would make cookies, cakes, bread or pies (supplemented with plenty of chocolate and ice-cream of course!) The first few bites would satisfy the initial craving, but then the cravings would come back stronger. They would build and build until I was eating sugar at every meal and during every hour of the day. It didn’t help that I automatically double and triple the recipes. I would try to resist and tell myself, “No, I don’t want to do that,” 20 or 30 times before I caved in. Before you know it I have eight dozen cookies staring up at me. One bad choice would often leave me with weeks of food that I felt obligated to consume.

In high school I was overweight at 180 lbs. The first year of college, I climbed up to 220 lbs. By the end of my Bachelors program, I was up to 270 lbs. and I was well into my Master’s degree when I topped out at 325 lbs. At every phase, I thought I was “definitely at my heaviest.” I would look at people and think, “I am overweight, but I will never be as big as they are! I can’t believe how much they have let themselves go!” Ridiculous, right? These days I envy women who are only 50 or 100 pounds over weight.
Through all of this, I kept my smile bright and my personality engaging. I thought that if I dazzled people with my personality, they would be blind to the pain and fear churning within me. I was wrong. When I took a look- a real look at myself, I realized that all of anxiety and frustration and depression- all the ugliness inside me would not stay hidden. It was written in every unnecessary pound in my body.  What I thought was invisible became the most dominant and obvious thing about me. For many people, it was the only thing they ever knew about me. 

 I trusted sugar to remove the ugliness from me. Instead, it sucked it farther and farther inside of me, until I was swollen and ready to burst with it. Sugar had betrayed me. It would still be another five years before I would kick it to the curb, but this is the day I realized that no matter how much I loved sugar, it would never love me back.

This time I'm really going to do it!

I know I've said it before, but I'm ready to give up sugar. He's no good for me. Ours is a codependent relationship. He tells me I'm worthless, that I need him and him alone. He says I can't make it without him. He says that no one else will want me. 

Well I say, "Go jump off a cliff and get out of my life!"

So I left him. I threw him out. I sent him to the curb, got rid of his things, and threw away his phone number. Alone, I sit and think. Alone. The fear of this word, "alone," is what kept me with him for so long. For many years, this smallest hint of this word would fill me with panic. Heart racing, blood boiling, mind whirling panic. I could never imagine myself without him. I could never separate my identity  from his. He was a part of me, and to reject him was to reject myself.

I don't remember when or how it started, but there came a point when I was able to really start looking at Sugar for what it really is: an ingredient! A chemical compound. A genderless lump of white stuff that neither shows nor feels affection. I know some people with terrible boyfriends, but its sad to realize that mine is probably worse. It's not a boy; it's not my friend. It makes me feel completely dependent, yet is incapable of giving me anything of real value.

So today I am leaving sugar. Again. I've done it before, and this time it will be for good.